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A shift from self-pity to self-improvement
I am just a student. My passion includes tinkering with the latest technologies. I love to dive into Distributed Systems, DevOps, Operating Systems, Backend Engineering and Networking.
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It's not the weight of responsibility that kills you, its the weight of accountability disguised as responsibility.
Welcome to Adulting !
— It’s me who wrote it, so I’ll shamelessly credit myself.
The year 2024, comes to an end. There were no achievements to “flaunt about “ this year. But, if there’s something wonderful about this year, it’s me growing up being an “Adult“, owning up for my own mistakes and shortcomings. Understanding my pitfalls. Learning to be more patient than I was.
Anxious, overthinking, and overly paranoid about things have been a part of my personality. I cannot deny this. A part of it can be related to my upbringing and the environment I grew up in, but I’ll not blame anyone. I own it; ultimately, it’s me who has to work on it.
Overthinking, often considered a self-detrimental attribute, has a silver lining. When in trouble, it gives you the insane power of “Self-Introspection.”
Going into 2025, I realised this and want to share it with you.
A short answer yes, I do!
Growing up in an Indian household, you prepare yourselves to take care and be supportive of your family, it’s an integral part of being an Indian. During the wake of 2024, I was job hunting, getting no answers, and self-doubting myself. Blaming things on to circumstances, recession, diversity hiring etc., was a coping mechanism for not working on my skills and personality, it’s an easy escape.
Being anxious, and carrying the weight and fear of being left out and unemployed, gave me the social validation that I was “Growing Responsible.“
Partially no, Partially yes
I was putting in a lot of hard work, in random directions, not focused on one domain hopping between preparation for SDE, SRE/DevOps, and DA roles, my efforts were not channelised. I had gained enough skills in the Cloud, and that experience helped me land an internship.
So it was a small win.
I wasn’t unemployed (technically) either, but hey, I was doing gig work before I landed my internship I was not dependent on my parents for my daily expenses. I had saved enough to pay my hostel fees for the next year. But, I seriously needed some professional experience, so landing an internship and then a full-time role was almost crucial.
Were my efforts wasted?
… no
But, I would have been in a better situation than I am today, had I invested my efforts into one direction and constantly improved myself.
What did all the FOMO and self-pity do to me?
Nothing, wasting hours overthinking, being demotivated doing nothing. It led to procrastination which ultimately bit me back.
I did have some medical emergencies in my family for long. I was stressed about it. But hey, my family shielded me from it, I didn’t realise it until the last quarter of 2024, I took the situation as an escape too…
It was my escape from admitting that I am unorganised, I need to work on my emotional stability and self-resolve.
Being mature and accountable.
To Whom? … Myself.
Why? … So, that I can become responsible for future responsibilities to shoulder.
The "weight of responsibility" can feel like a convenient shield because it allows us to focus on external obligations rather than looking inward.
External Validation Over Self-Reflection
Society often praises responsibility—taking care of others, fulfilling roles, and meeting expectations. It's easy to channel energy there and avoid the harder task of holding ourselves accountable for personal growth, mistakes, or unmet goals.
Fear of Failure or Imperfection
Accountability requires facing the possibility that we might fall short of our own expectations. Responsibility, on the other hand, often provides an excuse: "I did my part; it's out of my hands now."
Overcompensation
Taking on responsibility (or pretending to do so) can feel like "doing enough," even when it isn't aligned with what we truly need or value. It's easier to stay busy than to pause and ask if our actions align with our deeper goals.
Coping Through Distraction
When life feels overwhelming, taking on responsibility (or pretending to do so) can be a way to escape introspection. It's a distraction disguised as productivity.
Cultural and Personal Conditioning
Many of us are taught to prioritize duty over personal needs. This conditioning can create a narrative where "responsibility" feels virtuous, even when it’s not helping us grow or evolve.
We make mistakes, that’s what makes us human.
Realising them makes us a better one.
That is what ownership is, it’s what the realisation of your own mistakes teaches you.
I overthink, yes. It’s self-limiting, yes. But, it was the process of making the mistake, that helped me realise it is. There is a limit to what you understand by listening to others experiences, few lessons in life can only be learnt by repeating the same mistake in a thousand different ways and learning not to fall into the same patterns again.
The first step to wisdom is realising that you’re an “idiot“
The purpose of Adulting is to become wiser and the purpose of becoming wiser is Survival. That’s what my limited understanding of adulting is, from a very materialistic point of view.
Another very important aspect is to understand that “self-blame“ and “ownership“ are two sides of the same coin called self-realisation.
Self-blame, in very loose terms, means “shaming yourselves up for your mistakes“. All it leads to is self-pity, self-hatred and lack of self-esteem. The spiral can go on even worse for some individuals leading to episodes of depression, feelings of self-harm etc.
Ownership, on the other hand, embraces “Yes, it was me who made this mistake“ It naturally leads to the next thought “What went wrong?“ and then concludes with “What can be done?“. It’s a progressive thought that embraces self-improvement.
Life is complex, unpredictable, and often beyond our control. There will always be problems you can’t fix, situations you can’t resolve, and people you can’t change—and that’s okay.
The beauty of life lies in understanding this: not every battle is yours to fight.
Learning to let go isn’t about giving up; it’s about recognizing your limits and conserving your energy for the things that truly matter.
“The battles you choose not to fight are every bit as important as the ones you do.”
— Sope Agbelusi
Sometimes, the most mature and responsible choice is to step back. Instead of obsessing over every unsolvable problem, ask yourself:
Is this within my control?
Will my involvement make a meaningful difference?
Does this align with my goals and values?
If the answer is no, it’s not your battle.
Life is a series of seasons—some filled with joy and ease, others with struggle and uncertainty. But no matter how heavy today feels, remember this: This too shall pass.
Humans have demonstrated remarkable resilience throughout history. You are no exception—you are the descendant of survivors, the strong children of God. The challenges you face now, though overwhelming, are temporary. Time has a way of softening even the sharpest edges of pain.
But resilience isn’t just about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain. Each small step you take—no matter how insignificant it seems—moves you closer to brighter days.
Being anxious is okay. You’ll learn to navigate it.
Being stuck is okay. You’ll find your way.
Take heart in knowing that every struggle, no matter how dark, carries the seeds of growth. As you endure, you grow stronger, wiser, and more prepared for the road ahead.
Ultimately, it’s about time, patience, and perseverance. Take one step at a time. That’s all it takes to move forward. That’s all it takes to be responsible.
Be strong. Write your own destiny.